Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
