you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you would pick up someone in the library
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
