Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
