why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
