He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
