fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
