The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
