Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
