My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
