Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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