You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
