turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize