as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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