I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
