I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
This baby is an asshole
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
