she was so not down for the gang bang
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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