in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
