listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
