I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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