the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize