I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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