Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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