I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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