Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
