i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
