I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
