I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So apparently I’m into choking now
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