Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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