he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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