"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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