Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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