My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
