I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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