Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
