I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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