I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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