She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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