That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
