I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
