How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I am midnight drunk by noon
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
