I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
