Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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