If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My dick has a subreddit
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
