He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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