you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
