walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
