I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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