she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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