oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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