I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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