Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I did not marry a roomba.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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