Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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