So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I faked an abortion last night.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize