how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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