Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
