i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
