Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
