I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize