I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
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