Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
is wine microwaveable?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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