so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
