Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
