Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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