Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
