Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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