He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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