i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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